FRIENDS OLD, NEW, AND INHERITED (and the difference between good friends and soul friends)
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After a death, everything shifts.
When my dad died, I noticed all these little pieces shifting and rearranging themselves in my life. I watched as my physical location changed, my relationships changed, the way I view life changed, even the books I was reading changed—thereby changing what I was thinking about (books have a way of coloring your world). My phone provider changed, my clothing changed, even my writing materials changed—because I inherited some clothes and boxes upon boxes of office supplies.
I also inherited friends.
There’s the sweet neighbor lady who I love (especially when she drops F bombs) who lives next door and was on the phone with me the night my dad died. I’d never spoken to her before. Now she invites me to movie nights, and we’re always trading food or random home goods when I’m up there and either of us have extras—like the overflowing box of masks my dad apparently bought when the pandemic started (”Know anyone who might need … masks??”)
And there are Carolyn and Vince, who were good friends with my dad. Now I find myself texting Carolyn frequently, meeting her for tea, feeling a natural simpatico and also a closeness from our both knowing my dad so well.
I am not much for celebrating holidays—other than Christmas, which I’ll always love—but Carolyn invited me to a Memorial Day cookout up the road while I was in Pittsburgh, and how could I refuse? I made red potato salad and walked several blocks to their house. As I sat there talking, feeling like I was with people I’ve known all my life, I began to wonder how I ended up here, spending the holiday with these people—as in, these people as opposed to the people at the house next-door or anyone for that matter. Isn’t it funny when lives collide and we get seemingly thrown into forming new relationships as if out of thin air? There seems to be a randomness about it, and yet, very much not. These people let me into their world and I let them into mine, which is such a simple but beautiful thing, especially in these times.
Just a few hours after I bought a van—a moment with the momentum of a year behind it—something else happened that felt like even bigger news.
I heard from a best friend I hadn’t spoken to in nearly 10 years.
He’d found some letter I’d written him at my much younger age, along with a painting I made, and sent a photo of them to me. It didn’t surprise me that in the letter I was talking about wanting to live on the road—and that I was reading it just hours after buying the van.
We talked that night and then met up shortly thereafter to take a walk along the Potomac River. Didn’t skip a beat.
Maybe it’s just me, but this is what I’ve noticed about friendships over the years.
There are good friends—the solid ones where the closeness grows over time. The friends who are always there, year after year. The people who support you as you support them through life’s ups and downs.
And then there are soul friends—the ones you meet and instantly feel like you’ve known your whole life. These are the friendships that go deeper, get messier, and have a habit of going in and out. You might not talk for a few months or years because of some falling out or miscommunication or misunderstanding. These are the relationships that feel karmic, like you are holding up a mirror to one another, and that can get intense, and people run for all sorts of reasons.
Well, this guy is a soul friend. And the details of our parting are irrelevant, really. You never really part with these connections anyway, even if you try.
The reunion was not so much a “catching up” on everything we’d missed about one another’s lives over the past decade but a catching up on being in one another’s energy. We often joke that we are “twins,” and just to walk around and talk about nothing—anything, everything!—made my soul light up. Some people just innately “get” you—you don’t need an explanation, none of your thoughts need qualifiers, you can just settle in and BE. These connections are such a gift, and I don’t take them lightly.
I also believe whatever “it” is upon first meeting is what it always is. But again, that’s just what I’ve found to be true for me.
In any case, it was another blessing in the form of connection that I experienced this past month.
After dropping him off that night, I heard a little blip on social media from Ram Dass that resonated all the more, and I think it’s worth repeating here, although I don’t think it applies solely to romantic partners, but to anyone we connect with deeply.
“When we meet somebody who has the key to unlock something in us, we experience that we are in love, and we say, ‘I am in love with you.’ What we’re really saying … is you are the key stimulus that is releasing the mechanism in me that allows me to be in love. You’re my connection. And as my connection, I want to possess you—because I’m hungry to be in this state. I have come into the place of love in my being, and everything is beautiful suddenly. But it only happens when you’re around. So where will you be Thursday? And where will you be Friday? And where will you be for the rest of my life? The tendency is to want to possess the beloved, which is one of the quickest ways to destroy the experience.” —Ram Dass
✦ I’m so glad we go through all these cycles. Astrology shows it to us, maps out how we are always evolving. There really is something new about every day and how it all passes and there is beauty in that.
✦ “Consumers aren’t consuming” (quoting a long-haul trucker here, who has noticed a downshift in freight—and in a way, this could be a good thing … most of us could stand to buy less, and it’s kind of our only way to “fight back,” if you know what I mean)
✦ On a related note, recently read this: “Since the pandemic, the major chains have been operating at the highest profit margins on groceries in two decades” (so basically they’ve all just been price gouging for four years)
✦ On the opposite note: I went into Five Below the other day for a phone case—because I got a new phone and every case I was seeing in multiple stores looked so boring and masculine or way too girly—and can I just say, that place is fun. Not just that, but I totally felt like I was having a flashback to the ‘90s … because I guess all that ‘90s-era stuff is in again. Like, you could buy single sticks of incense! Where else can you do that?! And inflatable furniture (for my van?). And they had the best phone cases, I wanted to buy three. I bought one. For $5! It was like pure teenage summer in there, and I got a contact high.
✦ It made me feel old after I looked up this festival and realized I’ve only ever heard of one band:
https://thefestfl.com
✦ These lineups are making me laugh: — Jimmie’s Chicken Shack, Blues Vultures, Stone Horses — Pixies, Modest Mouse, Cat Power
✦ As soon as the sun moved into Gemini, I felt better in every way. I know I’m not the only one to notice this recent shift. But also: with caffeine, anything is possible.
✦ Quixotic is just a beautiful word
I got my van! I pick it up later this week. More writing to come about that, but suffice it to say, it is certainly *the* symbol of the next era of my life. And now I no longer have to hear myself starting and ending every other sentence with “when I get the van.” Thank you for your patience.