Because so much of what I’m doing right now is tucked away and behind the scenes, it occurred to me that most people, even people I talk to on a regular basis, probably don’t know what I’m working on in my spare time—that I am reimagining and rebuilding from scratch a new way of living, so that I can ensure I never become mold sick again. I am building the foundation for my future life.
So, yes, I’ve been living a comfortable, indoor life for almost two months now, thanks to very gracious hosts, but my mind has been very much attuned to the fact that I am nomadic again and sight-seeing into what my future time on the road will look like—when I, you know, transition into living outside again.
So far, that has looked like a lot of research, sometimes four to five hours at a time at the computer, watching tutorials on YouTube and reading forums for people who live on the road. Beyond finding routes and places to camp, I’m learning my best options for converting a van into a full-time home.
I know next to nothing about vans (really any vehicle), and I’m the absolute furthest thing from a carpenter or electrician, but here I am, in all my spare time, researching how to install cabinets and a bed frame in a van and how to run electricity—and all the variations within that.
Ultimately, wiring my own electricity sounded too daunting a task, and I decided to instead invest in a portable power station and a small solar panel. To know there will be times when I can be off grid for days and still have electricity—and from the sun, no less—is very satisfying in a way I’ve honestly never felt before.
It’s odd to take a step back and realize I’m gaining a whole new set of knowledge I never thought I’d have. New skillsets to follow.
The research into the right kind of van has led me down a windy path laden with Yield signs. To buy diesel or gas, already-converted or an empty shell, how long will the engine last, how many MPG, how easy to covert, high ceiling or super high? A fully converted van would be nice, but I have yet to find one without a sink installed and a water tank along for the ride. I’m being overly cautious about not running water into my van, because all of this time, money, and energy is going into creating a safe home for me that is free of water damage. Any new vehicle is a big expense, but this purchase and the decisions on how to convert it seem especially important because it will double as my home—and also potentially the place I live on a plot of land while building a more permanent home … somewhere. I’m leaning toward the Dodge Ram ProMaster.
This is all probably fairly boring to anyone who’s not living on the road. But it’s an accurate picture of my life and mind right now.
This … and the book.
Swimming in my free time … in the pool and in the chaos of another book draft
Well.
If I hadn’t mentioned it yet, I am working on a book and giving myself till the end of the year to finish it. Really, I’d like to have a draft by the time I leave Scottsdale. Tick tock.
It’s about the road. I have been extracting previous writings of the road and pulling them together in a new format, which I’ll combine with more notes from 2023 travels. It’s about the road, and it’s not about the road. It’s really about coming home to yourself.
The work has been consuming me for a couple weeks now in a way I haven’t experienced in years. The kind of manic energy that has me sometimes forgetting a meal or staying up way later than usual—too busy editing, deconstructing, reconstructing, writing, chopping, taking a break, back at the laptop. The agony and ecstasy of being deep into a thing.
I have totally blown up and re-formatted the original manuscript twice, which, might I add, takes a lot of time in and of itself—hundreds of moving parts. Writing an essay, an article, a song—much more manageable. A book manuscript can get very overwhelming. We’ll see where this third version takes me. Needless to say, I am struggling to find the correct form for what it wants to be.
My original version was not working, then my new vision for it failed, so now I am trying another way that loosely combines some of the former ideas.
Might I add, when a creative project is all-consuming, and has been consuming you for days, and then you realize what you’ve been working toward does not work, you’re bound to feel like you’re suddenly in a little bit of a crisis. Or the work is. Is there really any separation at that point?
I made the mistake of calling a few friends the day this happened, just to vent. Just to tell some other human what I was feeling. I was not looking for answers and prefaced the conversations with that, but I think it’s human nature for people to give advice in these situations. So I got the obvious advice about structure and organization and what to do and what to think about, all the things I’d already thought about. The problem wasn’t not having an idea for its form and structure and organization but having 100 ideas and variations competing with one another. How would I know which was best—or what would work—unless I tried them one at a time?
Getting unsolicited feedback felt like being in the middle of the ocean, drowning, and there are all these people surrounding me in boats and rafts with life savers and swim vests, and I just wanted to notify them that I’m out here, but everyone is looking at me saying, “Just get in the boat! The boat’s the way! That’s how you get through the water.” Or the raft. Or the freaking jet ski. And I’m like NO. I WANT TO SWIM. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO SWIM, AND YES, IN THE MEANTIME I’M TIRED AND LONELY AND I’M PROBABLY GONNA DROWN BUT I DON’T WANNA TAKE THE DAMN BOAT. And you know what? I might just go under and die at the bottom of the ocean, but at least I’ll die knowing what it felt like to swim out there … It didn’t work out—MAYBE—but maybe I swim to the shore. Maybe I make it. It’s not over yet, because I haven’t given up yet. I am still swimming.
✦ I thought “Barbie” was a beautiful film about self-actualization (and the patriarchy)
✦ coyotes have been howling here every night this week (full moon)
✦ I had a dream I was bit by a vampire, then bit him back (nothing much happened)
✦ also learned in a dream that everything and everyone is some combination of chaos and order (I don’t know if this is true; still thinking about it)
✦ speaking of learning about electricity … PSA to protect devices by plugging them into surge protectors, not directly into the wall!
✦ currently reading “South and West” by Joan Didion and surprisingly turned off by her writing, which I hadn’t read in 10+ years and used to love—brilliant, sharp observations but also very pretentious/elitist/snobby, at times outright looking down on the South—but writing about their culture as an outsider (this will ultimately inform my own book, but not in the way I’d thought—more like “what not to do”)
✦ looking forward to The Hunger Games prequel (a friend back home says Katniss’ District 12 always makes her think of Hagerstown, and she’s not wrong)
writing
ebooks + zines
astrology readings
get postcards and snail mail
send snail mail: 9701 Montgomery N.E. #1057, Albuquerque, NM 87111
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I have a friend whose husband retro-fitted a school bus and off they went. Lots of adventures good and not so good (mostly getting stuck places to get the bus fixed nothing too bad). I love your courage and bravery. Thank you for writing and keeping it honest. Your bullet points at the end are the notes I need...wish I was beside a campfire looking up at the stars with you...